During the course of the day, for some reason, “Deuce” wanted to go up in the attic and get down the memory boxes. So up he and Carrie went and down they came. There were pictures and poetry written by the kids when we homeschooled. “Deuce” got particular joy out of reading one of Seth’s old poems to him when he called.
Carrie pulled out a picture and started laughing. It was a picture of me in my full high school football uniform with my dad on Parent’s Night. I had not thought about that picture in years.
Renee started rummaging through the album the picture was in. It contained all the clippings from my high school football and baseball days. We had the short cut off jerseys that showed your mid-riff and Renee commented…”Oh to show my midriff again.” Amen sister!!!
I kept being drawn to the picture of me and my dad. No doubt about it, age does things to perspective. The way I looked at that picture and the things I saw were not what I saw 20 or 30 years ago.
Not many people know much about my dad. I have talked about my mother much more than I ever did my dad. I am sure people must wonder.
My dad died by himself on the streets of Tampa, Florida from alcoholism. When I received that phone call on a Saturday morning in October of 1992, it had been probably four years since I had seen him. They asked me if I wanted to come and claim the body and I said no. I did not want to assume the bills that would go with that. The state said they would bury him.
Harsh? Maybe. However, the man I knew as my father had actually died years before that day. Alcohol took him from me bit by bit.
I’m not going to bring up all the hurt I suffered as a child from his abuse of alcohol and all that accompanied that kind of lifestyle. I let that go a long time ago. I don’t hold it against him.
Father’s Day always brings up mixed emotions for me…..and the timing of the picture showing up today of all days cannot be ignored.
On the one hand, I am so thankful for my wonderful family and all the joy they have brought and are bringing to my life. On the other hand I see that picture and I feel robbed. I think of all that could have been.
Sometimes I think people do not understand my “passion” for hunting. I will admit it is not a “pastime.” It is a passion. I want to do it as much and as often as I can. If I’m not in the woods….I’m thinking about being in the woods.
I owe that passion to my father. The happiest days of my childhood were the days we spent in the woods. All we did was squirrel hunt but we did a lot of it. Probably 25% of my meals growing up involved squirrel. I’ll never forget my first shotgun and then my first rifle. I could take you to the very spot in Florida I shot my first squirrel. I could take you the very spot I shot my first squirrel with a rifle. I could take you to the very place my dad shot a rattlesnake I was about to step on one day. It is amazing the things I can recall. I can recall the sounds of squirrels hitting the palm trees as they moved through the swamps. I can remember sitting on logs and talking to my dad about a number of things.
I’m convinced, my love for hunting and the reason I am out there as often as I can is that it is the only link I have back to my father. As the evening sun sets in October and the coolness takes over and the sky turns red it seems like I can smell the same smells and my senses sense the same things I did so many years ago.
I wish I knew for sure I would see my dad again. I simply believe, as Abraham, that the Judge of all the earth will do what is right. Who knows but that possibly my dad in his dying cried out to the Lord for mercy. I just don’t know.
However, on this day I thank him for introducing me to the outdoors. I have tried to pass that legacy on to my children. Some are obviously more enthusiastic than the others. I do hope, that maybe after I am gone, and they decide to go afield….as the sun sets in October….the evening cool takes over….and red fills the sky….they will smell something or sense something that brings them back to fond memories of time spent in the field with their dad. The only difference being, they know we will walk together again.
I share these little insights into my life….so that people who want to….might come to know me a little more intimately than just the shell they see on the outside.
Happy Father’s Day everyone!!
