By now, I'm sure most of us have wearied of the "Tiger Woods" story. Hardly a day goes by that another woman doesn't step forward or a new "Tiger Woods Joke" is sent to me via e-mail.
I'll be honest, I follow Tiger Woods so little that I wasn't really sure whether or not he was married and I sure did not know that he had children yet.
For those in the know, I am sure that Tiger's wife is receiving plenty of sympathy. "Oh this must be devastating." "How hurtful this must be." "I hope she takes him to the cleaners!"
It is true she is probably hurt. There is little doubt she will not have to work another day in her life. However, I'm here to ask the question, "What about Tiger?"
The current Tiger Wood's soap opera, in my mind, is just a very public manifestation of a deeper problem in many marriages. That problem is the lack of intimacy and the sexual relationship that is borne out of that intimacy.
Did anyone ever ask, "Why did Tiger feel the need to do this?" Did anyone ever stop to consider that maybe Tiger's wife was not fulfilling both his emotional and physical needs? (Boy I can see the lady's reading this steaming right now.) Hear me out ladies!
Statistics show that the vast majority of men who hire prostitutes are married and that most often the prostitutes are hired to serve more as "companions" rather than just sexual toys. Often times they are hired because the husbands are not receiving the fulfillment of a particular sexual act in their marriage. Since there is no "intimacy' in the marriage, there is no comfort level with "talking about it" so rather than deal with the hassle the man simply seeks a prostitute. He loves his wife. However, his wife has contributed to an atmosphere that makes him uncomfortable talking to her about his sexual needs.
I have been doing marriage counseling many years now. I have seen more than my share of divorces and I can tell you that at the forefront of the vast majority of those divorces is unfulfilled needs for intimacy and sex. Women suffer the most from the lack of intimacy and men suffer the most from the lack of sex (and yes men….there is a difference between "intimacy" and "sex").
My research has shown that having sex once or twice a month is the norm for far too many couples. I'm not talking "old folks" here. I'm talking the average younger to middle aged couple in America. To put it bluntly…..that is not natural! Physically speaking, especially for the man in general, he is ready for sex every 48 hours at a minimum. A woman that is in tune intimately with her husband will have that same drive. Any couple whose normal sex life does not include the desire for sex at least two to three times a week needs to examine the reasons why because if you don't…..there will be problems down the road. Trust me.
Now we must ask…"Why?" Why do so many couples have trouble with intimacy and sex? I cannot answer for everyone. However, I can answer for many in the church.
The problem, again, is two-fold…..Intimacy/Sex. Concerning intimacy I would like to ask, "What ever happened to romance?" My wife and I have been married for almost 33 years and we still have a "date" night once a week (or at least try). "Date" night means no kids!!! It means getting dressed up and going to a sit down dinner and talking and sharing without the interruption of day to day living. I don't answer the phone….I don't care who it is.
This was highlighted a few years ago when my wife and I went out for Valentine's Day. We went to a very fancy, very expensive place for dinner. We were shocked when we went in there to find young couples coming in with…..their children!!!!! My gosh….forget the fact that they even brought them on what should have been a very romantic night………but I want to know….what's wrong with McDonald's???
I watched the women in both scenarios all night long as they struggled with the kids and I can assure you of this…….there was no sex that night in that household and if there was it was nothing to steam the windows about!
What about romantic get-ways? What happened to those? I've been to Disney and I see what a family vacation is. I'm not impressed. There are kids yelling and screaming, throwing tantrums, falling asleep on the floors and throwing up. I can just see the motel room that night. The kids finally get to bed. Dad has the sparkle in his eye. Mom looks at Dad with disgust, "Is that all you think about?" (Well…yeah….pretty much.)
Family vacations are fine but men your lady is craving a romantic get-away. It doesn't have to be long. Two days--two nights is all it takes. It doesn't have to be expensive. A little "Bed/Breakfast" a few miles away in a different town. Give her the romance and the intimacy she desires. Do that and watch how the steam builds in the engine room! However, most men don't have a clue when it comes to intimacy.
The second part of the problem is the issue of sex. In particular, I lay the blame for much of this at the foot of the church. Is there another subject that is more of a "hush-hush" than sex in the church? Now don't get me wrong. We spend a lot of time telling people what they shouldn't do. We are great at the "THOU SHALT NOTS AND IF THOU DOEST THOU SHALTEST GOEST TO HELL!" (That's my attempt at KJV humor.) However, we spend no time telling people what they CAN do!
You would be amazed through the years of the questions I have gotten from church members asking if a particular sex act was alright. You might be equally amazed that all those questions, every single one of them, came from……..WOMEN!
I know what happens. The husband desires a particular sex act. The woman either consents and feels guilty and thus needs to clear her conscience…..or….she tells her husband she will think about it and then calls me. The most common word used by the women in those conversations with me is…."dirty"…i.e., "I had always believed that was dirty."
When did the word "dirt" get thrown in with sex? A number of years ago, Christian song writer Geoff Moore, in response to those bashing Christian rock, wrote a song entitled, "Why Should the Devil Have All the Good Music?" Well…I would like to ask the question, "Why should the Devil have all the good sex?"
The church has a history of following a lot of bad traditions of the Catholic church. I've noticed in the Christian Church that I'm a part of, for instance, we have some traditions surrounding the Lord's Table that has nothing to do with Bible, but everything to do with Catholic theology of the Lord's Table.
I think we have followed Catholic teaching in much of our view of sex. We have followed the Catholic dualistic thinking that because sex is physical, by nature, there is something inherently wrong with it. We try to convince ourselves that it is OK with God. However, we always have a nagging feeling about it.
In fact, I think many follow the thinking of Catholic scholar Peter Lombard of the 12th century who said that "The Holy Spirit leaves the room when a couple has sex." Much of the Catholic teaching on sex has centered on the premise that sex is only for procreation. Time does not permit here, however, there was even a time in Catholic history where they tried to control when and how often a couple would have sex.
It was Martin Luther, the Reformer of the 16th century that began to change some attitudes about sex. He once even wrote a newlywed friend of his that he would have sex with his own wife that evening so he could enjoy the same feelings that his friend would be having that evening. Wow Preacher!! Try telling that to the groom you just married off!!
However, the Industrial Revolution and the Victorian era seems to have locked us into a mentality of sex that we are having a hard time breaking out of. Listen to how one Victorian woman put it….."One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: give little, give seldom, and above all give grudgingly." --RUTH SMYTHERS, Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride (1894) My experience and research tells me a lot of women are still following this advice!
Someone I know has just written a very good blog about porn. He points out how many Christian couples are looking at porn and he is right. Statistics don't lie. However, I do not think their intentions are always evil. Many are looking for answers and porn, in their minds, seems to be the only place they can get answers. The sad truth is, they are probably right.
There is no doubt that they get answers. However, as with anything the Devil is involved in, it is never the answer you need. Whatever answers that are arrived at come with a price tag attached and many inherent dangers.
So what are Christian couples to do? Where do you go when you have straight forward, very intimate questions about sex?
And now we come to the announcement of the book I'm writing!!
The title of the book is……ROMANCING SARAH'S DAUGHTER: A STRAIGHT FORWARD CHRISTIAN GUIDEBOOK FOR INTIMACY AND SEX ©
(Dr. Danny R. Gabbard, Sr., Kent, Indiana)
My book will cover the two topics of intimacy and sex. (Again guys, the two are not the same. I have to keep telling men that.)
I already have the chapter divisions done.
In the section on intimacy I will discuss the reason for the loss of intimacy in marriage and how to rekindle and keep the fire of romance ablaze for a lifetime. I think it is sad that a few years back our local newspaper featured an article that showed that most high school students in our area were convinced they would not find love for a lifetime. They fully expect divorce to be the norm. Much of the attention in this chapter will be directed towards men. You don't have to teach a woman how to be romantic….just responsive.
In the section on sex…..I will probably lose my job and may never be hired as a preacher again. That's why I'm struggling with when to release the book after I finish it. My goal in the book is to be so frank and honest and straight forward (my typical nature) on the topic of sex that couples will no longer have the need to look at porn. I'm going to cover anything you can imagine on the topic of sex…..all the way from sexual fantasies to male impotency……from positions to orgasms…..from role playing to toys. All those things you have been "hearing about"…..we will discuss whether it's "myth or truth." We will discuss the reality of sex versus the porn image.
My goal in the book is for couples to rediscover their "Garden of Eden." The premise that drives my book is the same one that guides my Christianity….i.e., if it is not explicitly forbidden in Scripture…then enjoy it! Couples need to learn how to "play" again. We take sex far too seriously!!
The title comes from 1 Peter 3 where Christian women are urged to be the "daughters of Sarah."
So pray for me as I begin this journey. I'm not sure how long it will take to write and I do struggle about the release of the book. I have to balance the concerns of my future with my concerns for the hurting couples out there.
You might help me by dropping me a line of encouragement….or by telling me to put you down early for two copies.
Also, feel free to send me your questions about sex. I will answer you immediately and I will use your question in my book (respecting your confidentiality of course).
I really believe if I had written this book sooner, there would have been fewer couples in my office on the verge of divorce through the years. I believe every year I procrastinate brings couples closer to the edge.
Well, I gotta go. Things to do today….and tonight is date night!!
I'll be honest, I follow Tiger Woods so little that I wasn't really sure whether or not he was married and I sure did not know that he had children yet.
For those in the know, I am sure that Tiger's wife is receiving plenty of sympathy. "Oh this must be devastating." "How hurtful this must be." "I hope she takes him to the cleaners!"
It is true she is probably hurt. There is little doubt she will not have to work another day in her life. However, I'm here to ask the question, "What about Tiger?"
The current Tiger Wood's soap opera, in my mind, is just a very public manifestation of a deeper problem in many marriages. That problem is the lack of intimacy and the sexual relationship that is borne out of that intimacy.
Did anyone ever ask, "Why did Tiger feel the need to do this?" Did anyone ever stop to consider that maybe Tiger's wife was not fulfilling both his emotional and physical needs? (Boy I can see the lady's reading this steaming right now.) Hear me out ladies!
Statistics show that the vast majority of men who hire prostitutes are married and that most often the prostitutes are hired to serve more as "companions" rather than just sexual toys. Often times they are hired because the husbands are not receiving the fulfillment of a particular sexual act in their marriage. Since there is no "intimacy' in the marriage, there is no comfort level with "talking about it" so rather than deal with the hassle the man simply seeks a prostitute. He loves his wife. However, his wife has contributed to an atmosphere that makes him uncomfortable talking to her about his sexual needs.
I have been doing marriage counseling many years now. I have seen more than my share of divorces and I can tell you that at the forefront of the vast majority of those divorces is unfulfilled needs for intimacy and sex. Women suffer the most from the lack of intimacy and men suffer the most from the lack of sex (and yes men….there is a difference between "intimacy" and "sex").
My research has shown that having sex once or twice a month is the norm for far too many couples. I'm not talking "old folks" here. I'm talking the average younger to middle aged couple in America. To put it bluntly…..that is not natural! Physically speaking, especially for the man in general, he is ready for sex every 48 hours at a minimum. A woman that is in tune intimately with her husband will have that same drive. Any couple whose normal sex life does not include the desire for sex at least two to three times a week needs to examine the reasons why because if you don't…..there will be problems down the road. Trust me.
Now we must ask…"Why?" Why do so many couples have trouble with intimacy and sex? I cannot answer for everyone. However, I can answer for many in the church.
The problem, again, is two-fold…..Intimacy/Sex. Concerning intimacy I would like to ask, "What ever happened to romance?" My wife and I have been married for almost 33 years and we still have a "date" night once a week (or at least try). "Date" night means no kids!!! It means getting dressed up and going to a sit down dinner and talking and sharing without the interruption of day to day living. I don't answer the phone….I don't care who it is.
This was highlighted a few years ago when my wife and I went out for Valentine's Day. We went to a very fancy, very expensive place for dinner. We were shocked when we went in there to find young couples coming in with…..their children!!!!! My gosh….forget the fact that they even brought them on what should have been a very romantic night………but I want to know….what's wrong with McDonald's???
I watched the women in both scenarios all night long as they struggled with the kids and I can assure you of this…….there was no sex that night in that household and if there was it was nothing to steam the windows about!
What about romantic get-ways? What happened to those? I've been to Disney and I see what a family vacation is. I'm not impressed. There are kids yelling and screaming, throwing tantrums, falling asleep on the floors and throwing up. I can just see the motel room that night. The kids finally get to bed. Dad has the sparkle in his eye. Mom looks at Dad with disgust, "Is that all you think about?" (Well…yeah….pretty much.)
Family vacations are fine but men your lady is craving a romantic get-away. It doesn't have to be long. Two days--two nights is all it takes. It doesn't have to be expensive. A little "Bed/Breakfast" a few miles away in a different town. Give her the romance and the intimacy she desires. Do that and watch how the steam builds in the engine room! However, most men don't have a clue when it comes to intimacy.
The second part of the problem is the issue of sex. In particular, I lay the blame for much of this at the foot of the church. Is there another subject that is more of a "hush-hush" than sex in the church? Now don't get me wrong. We spend a lot of time telling people what they shouldn't do. We are great at the "THOU SHALT NOTS AND IF THOU DOEST THOU SHALTEST GOEST TO HELL!" (That's my attempt at KJV humor.) However, we spend no time telling people what they CAN do!
You would be amazed through the years of the questions I have gotten from church members asking if a particular sex act was alright. You might be equally amazed that all those questions, every single one of them, came from……..WOMEN!
I know what happens. The husband desires a particular sex act. The woman either consents and feels guilty and thus needs to clear her conscience…..or….she tells her husband she will think about it and then calls me. The most common word used by the women in those conversations with me is…."dirty"…i.e., "I had always believed that was dirty."
When did the word "dirt" get thrown in with sex? A number of years ago, Christian song writer Geoff Moore, in response to those bashing Christian rock, wrote a song entitled, "Why Should the Devil Have All the Good Music?" Well…I would like to ask the question, "Why should the Devil have all the good sex?"
The church has a history of following a lot of bad traditions of the Catholic church. I've noticed in the Christian Church that I'm a part of, for instance, we have some traditions surrounding the Lord's Table that has nothing to do with Bible, but everything to do with Catholic theology of the Lord's Table.
I think we have followed Catholic teaching in much of our view of sex. We have followed the Catholic dualistic thinking that because sex is physical, by nature, there is something inherently wrong with it. We try to convince ourselves that it is OK with God. However, we always have a nagging feeling about it.
In fact, I think many follow the thinking of Catholic scholar Peter Lombard of the 12th century who said that "The Holy Spirit leaves the room when a couple has sex." Much of the Catholic teaching on sex has centered on the premise that sex is only for procreation. Time does not permit here, however, there was even a time in Catholic history where they tried to control when and how often a couple would have sex.
It was Martin Luther, the Reformer of the 16th century that began to change some attitudes about sex. He once even wrote a newlywed friend of his that he would have sex with his own wife that evening so he could enjoy the same feelings that his friend would be having that evening. Wow Preacher!! Try telling that to the groom you just married off!!
However, the Industrial Revolution and the Victorian era seems to have locked us into a mentality of sex that we are having a hard time breaking out of. Listen to how one Victorian woman put it….."One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: give little, give seldom, and above all give grudgingly." --RUTH SMYTHERS, Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride (1894) My experience and research tells me a lot of women are still following this advice!
Someone I know has just written a very good blog about porn. He points out how many Christian couples are looking at porn and he is right. Statistics don't lie. However, I do not think their intentions are always evil. Many are looking for answers and porn, in their minds, seems to be the only place they can get answers. The sad truth is, they are probably right.
There is no doubt that they get answers. However, as with anything the Devil is involved in, it is never the answer you need. Whatever answers that are arrived at come with a price tag attached and many inherent dangers.
So what are Christian couples to do? Where do you go when you have straight forward, very intimate questions about sex?
And now we come to the announcement of the book I'm writing!!
The title of the book is……ROMANCING SARAH'S DAUGHTER: A STRAIGHT FORWARD CHRISTIAN GUIDEBOOK FOR INTIMACY AND SEX ©
(Dr. Danny R. Gabbard, Sr., Kent, Indiana)
My book will cover the two topics of intimacy and sex. (Again guys, the two are not the same. I have to keep telling men that.)
I already have the chapter divisions done.
In the section on intimacy I will discuss the reason for the loss of intimacy in marriage and how to rekindle and keep the fire of romance ablaze for a lifetime. I think it is sad that a few years back our local newspaper featured an article that showed that most high school students in our area were convinced they would not find love for a lifetime. They fully expect divorce to be the norm. Much of the attention in this chapter will be directed towards men. You don't have to teach a woman how to be romantic….just responsive.
In the section on sex…..I will probably lose my job and may never be hired as a preacher again. That's why I'm struggling with when to release the book after I finish it. My goal in the book is to be so frank and honest and straight forward (my typical nature) on the topic of sex that couples will no longer have the need to look at porn. I'm going to cover anything you can imagine on the topic of sex…..all the way from sexual fantasies to male impotency……from positions to orgasms…..from role playing to toys. All those things you have been "hearing about"…..we will discuss whether it's "myth or truth." We will discuss the reality of sex versus the porn image.
My goal in the book is for couples to rediscover their "Garden of Eden." The premise that drives my book is the same one that guides my Christianity….i.e., if it is not explicitly forbidden in Scripture…then enjoy it! Couples need to learn how to "play" again. We take sex far too seriously!!
The title comes from 1 Peter 3 where Christian women are urged to be the "daughters of Sarah."
So pray for me as I begin this journey. I'm not sure how long it will take to write and I do struggle about the release of the book. I have to balance the concerns of my future with my concerns for the hurting couples out there.
You might help me by dropping me a line of encouragement….or by telling me to put you down early for two copies.
Also, feel free to send me your questions about sex. I will answer you immediately and I will use your question in my book (respecting your confidentiality of course).
I really believe if I had written this book sooner, there would have been fewer couples in my office on the verge of divorce through the years. I believe every year I procrastinate brings couples closer to the edge.
Well, I gotta go. Things to do today….and tonight is date night!!
